Helmets

There is a lot of talk about helmets on the forum, let me tell you about my little dilemma a few years back. My trusty old SPH-4 finally died and was laid to rest after a tragic garage backing incident. Looking for a replacement turned out to be quite an eye opener, I can’t believe how much these darn things cost, why the amount of beer that could be purchased for the cost of one helmet is staggering and quite frankly more than I can bare.

Having resided myself to just using the company provided headset I still feel somewhat uneasy about not having a helmet on the old noodle. (Not that there’s that much to protect) Going out to the beer fridge in the garage I gander at the broken body of my old friend when I have a revelation. (Yes you could actually see the light bulb above my head)

Digging through some of the old boxes in the garage, you know the ones that you move from place to place but never unpack because there’s nothing in them you need, I find my treasure. I pull out my high school football helmet and place it on the bench next to my broken comrade. Before I continue I must explain that, yes I did play high school, of course I played high school football, all real pilots played high school football. Now back to the resurrection.

With a fresh beer in one hand a screwdriver in the other I remember that vodka and beer gives me the runs so I set down my drinks and pick up my tools. This is going to work, the ear cups fit and the mike boom attached to the facemask with duct tape. The visor, what to do about the visor I ponder as I get another beer from the fridge, the beer fridge, my beer fridge that my wife will put leftovers in from time to time, man that makes me mad but what do we have here, colored plastic wrap? Wow when did they start doing that? I go to the pantry and I’ll be dipped in pickle juice, colored plastic wrap, I pull off a sheet and place it over the facemask, it sticks, cool. Now for the price of a roll of plastic wrap, some duct tape and a few bundle ties I have a new aviator helmet. Sometimes I wonder just how I got so smart, it really looks good and the more I drank the better it looked, I cant wait to get back on shift and try it out.

With my new prize in my helmet bag I go to work with a skip in my step just like a kid with a new toy. During my preflight I plug it in and talk to myself over the intercom, works great, and hang it on the hook, I’m ready for action.

It didn’t take long and the tone blasted, launch. With the helicopter started I look up at the medic and motion to pull the plug from the APU, she stands there with the deer in the headlights look, I motion again as she wakes up and pulls the plug, secures the door, and gets in. Nothing is said as we get to the pad and the crew gets out to go package. Sure is a nice day as I sit on the step on the side of the helicopter waiting for the crew. A short time later we are loaded and back in the air, and on our way. Landing at the big city hospital we are greeted by a security guard and two other hospital people waiting at the edge of the pad for the blades to stop. Doing the two-minute cool down thing I notice the people pointing, talking and pointing some more, I worry that there is something wrong with the helicopter but they all have smiles on their faces. I’ll do a good walk around when I get out and we get the patient going.

Ship looks great as the crew comes back out on the pad, the nurse walks straight to the nose and points to my helmet hanging on the hook. “What the heck is that”, just like my mother did when she found my stash when I was nine. “That’s my new helmet”, I said quite proudly as I was waiting for them to notice so I could show them what a pure genius can do. “You’re not wearing that thing”, she states quite boldly as I am now puzzled at her reaction. “And why not” I say in a confronting manner. “Its stupid and people are laughing at us she bellows”, “Stupid, I’ll tell you what stupid is, stupid is you walking around the hospital with your helmets on twenty minutes after we land”, (me laughing), “you should hear what the staff says about you, now lets go”, I climb in and grab my helmet, CLEAR and off we go.

Not one word is said on the way back, we land and out they go to the quarters, that’s right, go sit on your eggs and light up those phone lines I think as now I have a full case of the ass. I need to cool down before I go in so I take advantage of a beautiful day and wash the helicopter. After about 45 minutes I go inside, both doors closed for their rooms and two phone lines lit, cluck, cluck, cluck, I smirk as I sit in the command central recliner and fire up the Mexican channel.

I must have dosed off as the phone ringing startled me, Klank, “line two” is bellowed down the hall a moment later, I bet this is going to be good. I just love talking to the area manager about self-induced medical crew crap. We dance back and forth for some time as the word Professional is bantered back and forth and I throw the when the company provides helmets I will be happy to wear it and the like, this continues for some time.

I stood my ground and actually wore him down; finally he says loudly, "Wear your darn helmet but, the shoulder pads have to go!"